Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
