Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
