Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
