laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
