Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
