idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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