I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
