i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
last night I used snow as a chaser
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
