Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
