I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
PANTIES FOUND
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
