i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Floor bacon is actually really good
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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