Say something about gay babies.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
