I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
