you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
