you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
