do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
