K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
