There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
