It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
