I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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