i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
