i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Randomize
