Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
