I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
