Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
40s are totally the cure
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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