How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
