so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
