Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
