Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
