yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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