I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
