I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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