Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
