How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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