talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
