and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
