Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
