well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
