I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Randomize
