he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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