I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
