If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
