update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
COCAINE IS GR8
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
