Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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