I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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