Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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