My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
