your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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