I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
