I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
